If you have trouble getting yourself to ask for what you want, be assured, you are not alone. The problem is created by shyness and social anxiety. You hold back when it comes to asking for things you want. It could be something as simple as asking for directions, asking for someone to be quiet in the apartment next to you, asking for a refund at a store, or asking for someone to change a deadline on an assignment at work. Regardless of the situation, you find yourself hesitating to ask for what you want. What's the cause of this? For most people, the cause has to do with a combination of shy temperament and the belief system that suggests that other people would be annoyed or inconvenienced by your requests. In other words, you have an intense dislike for making yourself stand out, and you dislike situations that could bring any form of negative evaluation from others, even unspoken negative thoughts.
The solution is having a thicker skin regarding the thoughts that others have about you. I'll tell you the best way to develop a thicker skin in just a moment. First I need to mess with your mind for a minute so that you will be receptive to the methods I'm going to tell you. You see, the vast majority of people who are reading this article have little chance of ever overcoming the problem for one simple little reason. They let the fear of pain run their lives instead of passionate drive for attaining what they want in life.
Am I telling you that people are lazy and the difficulty with asking for what you want is about a failure to take action? No, not really. Rather, what I'm telling you is that there are very few people who have discovered a very important secret about how human motivation actually brings about change. The secret I am referring to is that we are much more likely to follow through in creating change in our lives if we first ignite our positive emotion and motivation by thinking about the things that we want, rather than thinking about the things we don't want. Pain-based motivation works for the short term, but it gradually leads to burn-out because of the negative feelings associated with the thoughts about fear and pain.
When you start each day without a plan in mind for living toward specific goals and realistic dreams, you end up being driven primarily by your attempts to escape from what you don't want in life. Escaping from what you don't want is the default mode that appears to be preset in the minds of most people. Without purposeful effort, you will default to avoiding the things you do not want. This leads to emotional pain and a low level of accomplishment in life. You can do better. Read on.
By now you may be wondering what these motivation techniques have to do with developing a thicker skin. Don't give up on me just yet, because I'm about to reveal to you this simple shift in your mindset that will bring about a tremendous jolt of positive well-being as you begin to apply changes to your life. (I just used the method that I was describing by offering a positive motivation for you to keep reading. Did you catch it?)
Here's the method that will help you to develop a thicker skin. It is quite simple, so I need to warn you not to dismiss it simply because of its simplicity. Often, the most simple and direct approach is the most powerful approach for getting what you want in life. This is the case for developing a thicker skin. The best method is to simply practice asking for things that you want, while gradually increasing the level of difficulty. Ask for what you want from people that know that you are simply practicing. Start out by telling a spouse or friend that you are going to be asking for a lot of things, and tell them they are free to say no because you are simply practicing. Ask people at work for things that you want. Ask for directions even if you don't need them. Ask for extra time when working on a deadline. Practice, practice, practice.
If you are like most people, your mind has already begun to see pain, which is decreasing your motivation to continue reading this article. Let me ask you to reverse that process before it stops you from getting what you want in life. Think of the process of developing a thicker skin as being somewhat similar to the task of swimming across a small but very cold lake. The pain of the freezing cold water would be short-lived as you rapidly become warmer from the action of swimming hard and fast. If you can swim across this cold lake the prize awaits you on the other side. When you begin practicing asking for what you want, it will be particularly difficult at first, but as you warm up (or star to get used to asking for what you want) you will find that it gets easier and easier. The results will speak for themselves.
In order to build your motivation more, start with a vivid mental hologram that helps you to imagine what it would be like to be a more assertive person. Think about how it would feel to be able to hold your head high while you demand proper respect from other people, without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. In order for this process to work, you need to become very certain that the vision you have of the future version of yourself is a real possibility. Don't simply wonder about what it would be like. Instead, think of your visualization as something that is 100% linked to the specific action of practicing asking for what you want until it feels natural.
Before I send you on your way to get to work on these techniques, I want to offer two more tips. Right before you ask someone for something that you want, imagine someone else doing the same thing. Imagine someone who is very assertive. You probably know a few people who are so outgoing and assertive that would not be even slightly unnerved by asking for what they want. Imagine this person asking for what they want. This mental exercise will reduce the feeling that you are doing something odd or something that needs to be apologized for. The second tip is to think about how you would feel if someone asked you for the very thing that you are about to ask for. If you wouldn't mind someone else asking you for the favor or request that you are asking, then neither should you worry about what the other person's reaction will be. If they are hard and cruel in the reaction, then that is their problem, not yours. Create a vision for how you want to feel 21 days from now after swimming across this cold lake and standing triumphant and warm from your exercise on the opposite shore. See yourself laughing with the joy and excitement of having accomplished this life-changing feat. You are worth it, so get to work.
The solution is having a thicker skin regarding the thoughts that others have about you. I'll tell you the best way to develop a thicker skin in just a moment. First I need to mess with your mind for a minute so that you will be receptive to the methods I'm going to tell you. You see, the vast majority of people who are reading this article have little chance of ever overcoming the problem for one simple little reason. They let the fear of pain run their lives instead of passionate drive for attaining what they want in life.
Am I telling you that people are lazy and the difficulty with asking for what you want is about a failure to take action? No, not really. Rather, what I'm telling you is that there are very few people who have discovered a very important secret about how human motivation actually brings about change. The secret I am referring to is that we are much more likely to follow through in creating change in our lives if we first ignite our positive emotion and motivation by thinking about the things that we want, rather than thinking about the things we don't want. Pain-based motivation works for the short term, but it gradually leads to burn-out because of the negative feelings associated with the thoughts about fear and pain.
When you start each day without a plan in mind for living toward specific goals and realistic dreams, you end up being driven primarily by your attempts to escape from what you don't want in life. Escaping from what you don't want is the default mode that appears to be preset in the minds of most people. Without purposeful effort, you will default to avoiding the things you do not want. This leads to emotional pain and a low level of accomplishment in life. You can do better. Read on.
By now you may be wondering what these motivation techniques have to do with developing a thicker skin. Don't give up on me just yet, because I'm about to reveal to you this simple shift in your mindset that will bring about a tremendous jolt of positive well-being as you begin to apply changes to your life. (I just used the method that I was describing by offering a positive motivation for you to keep reading. Did you catch it?)
Here's the method that will help you to develop a thicker skin. It is quite simple, so I need to warn you not to dismiss it simply because of its simplicity. Often, the most simple and direct approach is the most powerful approach for getting what you want in life. This is the case for developing a thicker skin. The best method is to simply practice asking for things that you want, while gradually increasing the level of difficulty. Ask for what you want from people that know that you are simply practicing. Start out by telling a spouse or friend that you are going to be asking for a lot of things, and tell them they are free to say no because you are simply practicing. Ask people at work for things that you want. Ask for directions even if you don't need them. Ask for extra time when working on a deadline. Practice, practice, practice.
If you are like most people, your mind has already begun to see pain, which is decreasing your motivation to continue reading this article. Let me ask you to reverse that process before it stops you from getting what you want in life. Think of the process of developing a thicker skin as being somewhat similar to the task of swimming across a small but very cold lake. The pain of the freezing cold water would be short-lived as you rapidly become warmer from the action of swimming hard and fast. If you can swim across this cold lake the prize awaits you on the other side. When you begin practicing asking for what you want, it will be particularly difficult at first, but as you warm up (or star to get used to asking for what you want) you will find that it gets easier and easier. The results will speak for themselves.
In order to build your motivation more, start with a vivid mental hologram that helps you to imagine what it would be like to be a more assertive person. Think about how it would feel to be able to hold your head high while you demand proper respect from other people, without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. In order for this process to work, you need to become very certain that the vision you have of the future version of yourself is a real possibility. Don't simply wonder about what it would be like. Instead, think of your visualization as something that is 100% linked to the specific action of practicing asking for what you want until it feels natural.
Before I send you on your way to get to work on these techniques, I want to offer two more tips. Right before you ask someone for something that you want, imagine someone else doing the same thing. Imagine someone who is very assertive. You probably know a few people who are so outgoing and assertive that would not be even slightly unnerved by asking for what they want. Imagine this person asking for what they want. This mental exercise will reduce the feeling that you are doing something odd or something that needs to be apologized for. The second tip is to think about how you would feel if someone asked you for the very thing that you are about to ask for. If you wouldn't mind someone else asking you for the favor or request that you are asking, then neither should you worry about what the other person's reaction will be. If they are hard and cruel in the reaction, then that is their problem, not yours. Create a vision for how you want to feel 21 days from now after swimming across this cold lake and standing triumphant and warm from your exercise on the opposite shore. See yourself laughing with the joy and excitement of having accomplished this life-changing feat. You are worth it, so get to work.
About the Author:
Dr. Todd Snyder is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder. He is the creator of the Social Anxiety Secrets System that provides a complete self-help and personal motivation system for overcoming symptoms of social anxiety. A free mini-course can be found at his website, www.socialanxietysecrets.com
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